Political differences are tearing my 45-year marriage apart. Can we make it work?

CAPTION: Politics keep sneaking into Laurie’s conversations with her husband — and turning explosive. Amy and T.J. offer some tips to defuse the situation. (Photo illustration: Yahoo News, photo: Getty Images)

Are you debating whether to stay in a relationship for the kids? Or maybe you and your new partner are trying to blend your families? Ask Amy and T.J. about it. Send your questions about navigating love and parenthood to askamyandtj@yahoo.com. You can hear more from Amy and T.J. on their podcast.

Amy and T.J.,

After nearly 45 years together, the most significant strain on my marriage is politics.

My husband and I used to share the same party, but in recent years, we’ve found ourselves at polar opposite ends of the spectrum. This divide has led to frequent and heated arguments.

We’ve tried avoiding political discussions entirely to protect our relationship, but it inevitably comes up — especially when we talk about finances, our children or plans for the future.

So how can we create healthy boundaries that allow us to navigate difficult conversations without damaging our marriage?

— Laurie

Gut reaction

Amy Robach: It’s not what you talk about, it’s how you talk about it.

T.J. Holmes: I hear, “It’s been 45 years, and everything in my marriage is great except for politics”? I don’t believe that.

On further thought…

TJH: If politics really is the only problem in your marriage, then just stop talking about it. You say it comes up inevitably, but I believe that you’re able to drop it if you really need to. You can just look at each other: “You know what, this isn’t going anywhere. We know we don’t agree, let’s just drop it.”

Amy and I — and especially Amy — have had to have discussions with family members or other people before going to an event, such as Christmas, and say, “Hey, this topic is off-limits.”

AR: And usually those topics are politics and religion. Before we go spend time with family we only see a couple of times a year, I let my daughters know that we will not be discussing politics or religion. And if someone else does, that’s fine — you don’t have to chime in. And if you do have to respond, you can just say, “That’s really interesting.” You can just stay curious.

I think that sometimes when people are together for a long time, like you and your husband, they start to become codependent: You think you are each other. So, if the other person thinks differently from you, it can feel like an attack. You get so intertwined that it can start to feel like you have to agree on everything. But that’s not true. You don’t have to agree on everything; you just have to respect each other’s opinions.

TJH: Unfortunately, with certain hot-button topics that do come up in politics, it’s easy to think, How can they think that way? And if they think that way, I don’t know if we can continue to be friends, or even family. You say that this has been a new problem in your relationship within the last few years. It’s a reflection of so much of what our politics has become. Politics has always been nasty, but in the past few years, we’ve started to feel like two different Americas. When we disagree, in the U.S. now, it’s like we’re not just on two different sides of the aisle. It’s become, I hate you, you’re ugly, I hope your dog dies, your mama is stupid.

The truth is, politics and political opinions aren’t that deep. You and your husband are a couple who have been together for 45 years, and you’ve got kids — and you’re reducing yourselves to people on X and social media platforms. Let those people fight. Let them be nasty to one another. You’re family. You can’t talk about an issue without getting so heated that you’re wondering what’s going on in your marriage? Stop.

AR: I think that’s ego. When someone draws a line in the sand and says, “If you think this way or vote that way, I can’t be your friend, your partner. I can’t be in the same room with you,” whoever in your marriage is doing that, that person is the problem. You don’t have to agree. You don’t have to understand the other person’s opinion, but you have to be able to remember that you love this person and give them space to express their own views. And if you’re trying to get the other person to think the same way you do, you’re always going to lose. I think you establish trust by having other conversations — maybe hard ones that aren’t political — and respecting the other person’s perspective. That’s practice. You just practice being curious and respectful.

My mom has always said, “You never fight about what you’re fighting about.” There’s always something deeper. This is just a symptom of the problem. So maybe go in deep and ask yourself, “Why am I really feeling this way about my husband when he talks about this?” Really get curious about why you’re feeling this way. You and your husband can each ask yourselves why you’re taking these political disagreements so personally.

The final word

TJH: As far as boundaries go, you have to decide whether you’re going to talk about this stuff or not. But regardless, you have to decide to respect where one another is coming from. If you are jumping to a conclusion about your spouse — or they are about you — because of who you voted for, and you can’t see and love one another the same way, then you have a bigger problem. And you may have just wasted 45 f***ing years of marriage.

AR: T.J. and I always read a quote of the day. A recent one from the Dalai Lama was, “Love is the absence of judgment.” You’ve got to take the judgment out of your conversations with your husband. I think the most beautiful thing about marriage is accepting and respecting each other’s differences. If you can both try to stay curious without judging, maybe you’ll learn something. Maybe you won’t jump to conclusions about people, or be quick to judge them because they don’t think the way you do. Be curious, be kind and be respectful.

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